Bustin' a move

I'm sweaty and dirty but at least I'm getting stuff done today. Cranked my music up and am finally moving my butt getting this pig sty back in order. I'm finally over the whole feeling cruddy and exhausted all day thing and man oh man is it nice. Not to mention not smoking is making me breathe SO much better, & now the morning sickness is gone so WOOT WOOT!

The munchkins are taking the opportunity of me being in a different room cleaning to terrorize the rest of the house though, you win some and lose some I guess. Now if I can just keep them out of the areas I've already cleaned.... that would be awesome.

Life is overwhelming right now, I think a good portion of it is the hormones but it seems like nothing is going right, and I'm starting to doubt everything, I'm really starting to debate my marriage (again could be the hormones) but I'm starting to believe I could be doing better completely on my own. If I'm going to feel like a single parent and be doing all the housework/cares of a single parent then I want to be a single parent.

All the financial issues we are in depresses me, I want to cry a good portion of the day but I don't. I feel like he is too comfortable at a desk job that sucks, and has no plans to move forward into better pay or a career that uses the degree he spent how much money earning. His current job doesn't seem to be covering the bills anymore now that the economy changed, they didn't give anyone pay raises for 2009, and they have been dinks about figuring out incentives going all the way back to December of 2008. I don't get why he stays there.

My hormones are going nuts, and everything seems overbearing.

Could I work? Maybe. I'm already stressed with two toddlers at home, being pregnant, full time school and half-assed selling Avon on the side. I get nearly 5,000 extra in financial aid/loans twice a year, so I consider that as my contribution to the household right now (10,000 and the bits I make off from Avon), I think that's pretty good considering it could be zero for a stay at home mom. If I worked too, my kids would be short changed on attention/care and my schoolwork would suffer (it's hard enough with two kids running around).

Blah, maybe I'm making excuses.

I'm tired of the emotional drainage of being pregnant. *Sighs*

Black Sheeped

If you weren't good enough for someone's wedding service but received an invite to just the reception would you go?

I'll post more about the situation later, right now we're just cranky about it!

Excuses

When you are pregnant it is way to easy to justify eating whatever you want because you can brush it off as just being that hungry, you are having a craving, you just want it... whatever. I've been doing pretty good this time around for the most part. We are eating significantly less fast food then before I got pregnant, my biggest cravings are for toast or oatmeal (which is kind of funny on a 97 degree day!), I've actually been wanting a lot more fruit and a lot less fried. I'm legitimately trying to be better, yet most of being better is coming naturally at the moment because the the thought of eating lots of sugar or grease makes my tummy want to hurl!

It's too easy to make excuses and put off every responsibility in your life when you're pregnant, you can brush it off because you don't feel well, or you are simply exhausted. I've been trying to do more and more everyday instead of just being a lump on the couch. For the most part morning sickness is gone, so getting up and moving is a good thing, I'm just tired all of the time, but I think that will get better as I do more too!

Next week we go in for the first trimester screening and will get to see the baby! It's too early for gender or any of that stuff, but it always takes seeing for believing for me.

I'm kind of a wreck about Fall Semester coming, two kids, being pregnant, half-assed selling cosmetics (AGAIN), full-time classes one of which will be the second stats course for my major...blech!

I know school doesn't start for 2 more months, but I'm still already not looking forward to it! Lots of fun summer plans between the two.

This post is lame, I have nothing of real value for today....

Survey/Meme

The rules: 1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention & add one more question of your own.

2. Tag eight other people

What is your current obsession? Quitting/staying quit smoking.

What are you wearing today? I'll admit it... black tank top, and black and pink polka dot pajama pants (we're having a lazy snuggle type day!)

What’s for dinner? Not a clue yet!

What’s the last thing you bought? Ordrered the newest Janet Evanovich book.

What are you listening to right now? Natalie playing with stuff and talking.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? Phoenix.

Which language do you want to learn? I would like to brush up on my spanish so I know what's being said around my brother in-law.

What do you love most about where you currently live? The neighbors are pretty good =)

What is your favourite colour? Pink, Purple & Black

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? My gray and pink maternity sweats... lol

Describe your personal style? lately it's wake up in lounge clothes & change into different compfy lounge clothes!

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? Probably bills. I'm a lame-o.

What are you going to do after this? Start making something for dinner.

What are your favourite films? Super Troopers, Juno, tons of disney (I have babies).

Your favourite smell? Buffalo chicken pizza.

What makes you follow a blog? Usually if they have a sense of humor, or post relevant information to me/my life. =)

Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk?I mostly lurk.

What’s one thing you dream of doing? Finally getting a honeymoon...

What is your biggest regret? Life isn't about regrets, it's about moving forward.

If you had one day left to live, what kind of buffet would you go to? Chinese or bonanza!

If you could spent a romantic night with any celebrity without any repercussions, who would you spend that wonderful night with? Orlando Bloom or Matthey Perry (DON'T START WITH ME!)

Size-me-up Saturday - I apologize if you find the end of this offensive!

Make fun of me if you must, but atleast I have the nerve & courage to be real!

As of today, I am 10 weeks and 2 days into my third pregnancy. When I was weighed at my first prenatal appointment I was completely shocked by my current weight (a number I've never seen before, and I'm not even pregnant enough to really be gaining weight!) I was already aware from playing wii fit that I my weight has been yo-yoing, with some days the game not letting me play because I exceeded the weight limit (of 330 pounds!!!) Oh my Frick.

At my visit with the Intake Prenatal Nurse, I was even 10 pounds over that! Honestly, I refuse to gain any weight during this pregnancy or ever weight more than 350 (I thought 300 would be my cap when I started gaining but apparently NOT). During my previous pregnancies my M.D. has expressed being A-okay with me not gaining weight throughout the entire pregnancy without me even asking, but I still always gained weight anyway! With Natalie I started at 295 & delivered at 324 (I've been overweight for a long time ... like since childhood.... so sue me!) With Bridget I began around 315 & finished around 345. During both pregnancies I lost weight in the middle from healthy dietary changes!

I don't believe my doctor will have an issue with me losing weight during this pregnancy. I will not starve my body or my baby in any sort of way, rather just be a little more active and eat more healthy food and less of the crappy foods. I haven't seen my OB yest this pregnancy & will definitely talk with her first before proceeding. However, losing weight will probably help more than hinder the pregnancy. Super big people lose more weight than those just needing to drop 10 pounds (I need to go at least 150 from start to finish .... and of course NO, not all during pregnancy!)

While I've been lucky enough to have pretty stable health despite my enormous weight, blood pressure is good, heart is super healthy etc, those are all "for now" conditions I believe, and won't stay that way unless I make some changes!

During a recent meeting with a intake nurse, we determined if I would totally give up regular soda it would mean nearly 100 pounds in 1 year alone! Combine that with no fast food & Woo Hoo! That's some stuff to think about right there! While I'm writing this I'm working on a 20 oz. bottle of code red mountain dew with a total of 275 calories... ouch!

THE REASONS I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT:
--- While I know being smaller won't solve all of life's problems, I have a feeling it would help in many types of ways:

1. When the girls make huge messes, I won't get so angry about hauling my fat ass over to clean it up. Since getting pregnant my energy level is zero and I'm so sick of doing the same tasks over & over. My temper & patience is at an all time low. I honestly believe that if I didn't have so much weight to hoist around all day long, mundane tasks wouldn't seem so hideous and overbearing!

2. I want to be able to keep up with the kids and be more active with them as well. I know monster weight is affecting this area of my life for sure!

3. I want to feel attractive again. I have felt gorgeous even plus-size, but it's not possible when you have to buy the biggest size the store offers (and that's if you're at the fat girl store!) & always look 8 months pregnant even when your last baby was born a year and a half ago!

4. I want to be alive for it all during my kids lives; I'm a short roller coaster ride to a very early death at the rate I'm going. Nothing in life freaks me out more than my kids not having a mom during all of their tough questions and life events.

5. I need to set good examples for my children. Children learn and live by seeing and doing, and primarily from their parents!

6. I want to keep up; I'm tired of feeling left behind on the sidelines!

7. I'm tired of being discriminated against. Eventually I will be done with school and want a real career, I can't be taken seriously for a criminal justice or a psychology job like this.

8. Only a couple semesters left & I have failed to take a 1 credit required general Ed. Physical Education Course!

9. This one's kind of dumb and out there. .... but if someone were stealing my child how would I catch them?

Ironically enough, I do not believe in medical interventions for weight loss. I think we as large people (myself included) know exactly what we do that makes us fat. For me it's eating too much salty & greasy food, drinking too much soda, and not moving around enough. While I understand that sometimes there are medical reasons for medical intervention weight loss, for the most part I look at Gastric Bypass/ Lap-band ect. as major cop-outs. I tend to believe most obese people know what they did to make themselves fat; and they know what to change & stop doing to make themselves less fat.
I know I sound like a bitch but on this point I really don't care. I don't buy the whole "I've tried everything else, and nothing works for me" line. I CALL BULL! It's practically impossible to continue gaining weight if you are consuming less calories then you burn off! I'm a complete math dummy and I understand this concept! UGH!
I admit it... I haven't EVER really legitimately tried to lose weight... there I said it! Not to keep venting here, but my other huge (hahaha) issue with surgical procedures for weight loss, is being put under for something not completely necessary (again I understand in some medical cases it is believed to be necessary) but when I had to be put under in December of 2007 I was terrified that I would die on the operating table during a minor procedure and my girls wouldn't have a mother. I just can't imagine doing that for something that could be changed on ones own. Trust me Keith has listened to me bitch about this a lot!

Updates!

I'm updating the blog now that I actually plan to use it again.

Let me ask? Is all the baby and kid stuff getting shoved down your throat making you pukey yet? I'm trying to decide if it's a little too much....

Meh...

Another baby

I might start trying this new thing where I actually blog, and then actually leave it!

Any who;

We are expecting baby #3 with an expected due date of January 14Th, 2010. I'm 10 weeks along today. This baby has been pretty good about not making Mama nauseous but they've been pretty suck about heartburn & eating. I think I'm like starving, get a large meal and then realize I can only eat a smidge of it, just to turn around and be hungry an hour later!

I'm freaked out about the baby, because aside from him/her nothing else seems to be going right in life at this point. I was drinking really heavily leading up to this pregnancy following the shooting of my cousin, as well as the death of my Grandmother. Drinking to cover emotions isn't something I have fallen trap to before, but it seemed like the right route for whatever reason this time (DUMB DUMB DUMB idea!) Clearly, I quit as soon as I knew I was pregnant.

However, nobody will be as disappointed with me as I have been with myself.... Even knowing I have a little life growing inside of me, it was hard for me to quit smoking (YES, I had started up again during the whole.... life is sucky I'm going to drink to mask emotions instead of cry phase).
I'll be honest, because that is what this space is for, I was pregnant, knew it, and occasionally would still selfishly smoke. Trust me, NOBODY is going to make me feel worse about that then I make myself. However, I'm fully convinced that I'm really done for good this time, after reading several sites and realizing how bad cigarette smoke is for the baby (not that I didn't have a pretty clear idea before), I finally put down the pack, got my ass out on a walk and feel so much better now. I'm not planning to start again after the baby comes either, starting up a year ago was one of the dumbest things I ever did, and I can fully admit that.

Not to keep going about smoking, but it's ironic I ever smoked to start with. I always hated it growing up & living with chain smokers. I was basically the anti-smoker, when I did start smoking everyone would tell me it was so weird to see me smoke. The real irony? I started after my baby had RSV & I was super stressed. Yeah... the babies sick with a respiratory infection, let's smoke to calm down.... PURE GENIUS! I never smoked around the kids though, so that's a perk for me, right? Even as a smoker I found it completely disgusting.

I can try to rationalize & justify it all I care to, but the bottom line is I effed up and made a mistake. Turns out even I'm human!

- Moving on.... I'm freaked out because since swapping apartments so many things have happened in life, and a lot of crisis's. We probably need to move because we really can't afford this million dollar apartment (okay okay it's not literally that much but still), after all the fees associated with moving, then the emergency trip to Colorado things have been much tighter financially then I care to admit, we're having a hard time recovering from everything.
Not that we budget Keith's bonuses into our monthly available income, it still would help out in a million ways if his new over-seers would bother figuring them out (7 months is plenty of time people!) And yes, that means he hasn't seen his Incentives for working there in NEARLY 8 months! Frick!

Basically we're holding on until September, when I will get financial aid from school and things can start looking up some again. We're halfway looking at some houses for rent, which oddly enough work out to be cheaper than this apartment unit. September 1st we have the big 20 week ultrasound so we'll know better what we're getting into, and I can go purchase some baby items we need!

I'm freaked out because this will mean delivering 3 babies in a little less than 4 years, and having 3 children that are all within 4 years of each other!

I'm freaked out because while I can make Deans list at school, I can't effectively potty train a 3.5 year old. It makes me feel smart, yet dumb. Bleh.

I have the first tri-mester screen in two weeks... woot woot. Hopefully it's just one baby in my tummy and not 2 or 3 or 7!

Thanks for listening to me =0

Okay... and then. ..

It seems like everything is hitting the fan lately... We reach a point where it doesn't seem like things could possibly get any worse, and then guess what! It still does! I need inspiration & insight but I have no idea where to turn, who to ask or even who I'm willing to talk to about everything.


BLAH!