Another baby

I might start trying this new thing where I actually blog, and then actually leave it!

Any who;

We are expecting baby #3 with an expected due date of January 14Th, 2010. I'm 10 weeks along today. This baby has been pretty good about not making Mama nauseous but they've been pretty suck about heartburn & eating. I think I'm like starving, get a large meal and then realize I can only eat a smidge of it, just to turn around and be hungry an hour later!

I'm freaked out about the baby, because aside from him/her nothing else seems to be going right in life at this point. I was drinking really heavily leading up to this pregnancy following the shooting of my cousin, as well as the death of my Grandmother. Drinking to cover emotions isn't something I have fallen trap to before, but it seemed like the right route for whatever reason this time (DUMB DUMB DUMB idea!) Clearly, I quit as soon as I knew I was pregnant.

However, nobody will be as disappointed with me as I have been with myself.... Even knowing I have a little life growing inside of me, it was hard for me to quit smoking (YES, I had started up again during the whole.... life is sucky I'm going to drink to mask emotions instead of cry phase).
I'll be honest, because that is what this space is for, I was pregnant, knew it, and occasionally would still selfishly smoke. Trust me, NOBODY is going to make me feel worse about that then I make myself. However, I'm fully convinced that I'm really done for good this time, after reading several sites and realizing how bad cigarette smoke is for the baby (not that I didn't have a pretty clear idea before), I finally put down the pack, got my ass out on a walk and feel so much better now. I'm not planning to start again after the baby comes either, starting up a year ago was one of the dumbest things I ever did, and I can fully admit that.

Not to keep going about smoking, but it's ironic I ever smoked to start with. I always hated it growing up & living with chain smokers. I was basically the anti-smoker, when I did start smoking everyone would tell me it was so weird to see me smoke. The real irony? I started after my baby had RSV & I was super stressed. Yeah... the babies sick with a respiratory infection, let's smoke to calm down.... PURE GENIUS! I never smoked around the kids though, so that's a perk for me, right? Even as a smoker I found it completely disgusting.

I can try to rationalize & justify it all I care to, but the bottom line is I effed up and made a mistake. Turns out even I'm human!

- Moving on.... I'm freaked out because since swapping apartments so many things have happened in life, and a lot of crisis's. We probably need to move because we really can't afford this million dollar apartment (okay okay it's not literally that much but still), after all the fees associated with moving, then the emergency trip to Colorado things have been much tighter financially then I care to admit, we're having a hard time recovering from everything.
Not that we budget Keith's bonuses into our monthly available income, it still would help out in a million ways if his new over-seers would bother figuring them out (7 months is plenty of time people!) And yes, that means he hasn't seen his Incentives for working there in NEARLY 8 months! Frick!

Basically we're holding on until September, when I will get financial aid from school and things can start looking up some again. We're halfway looking at some houses for rent, which oddly enough work out to be cheaper than this apartment unit. September 1st we have the big 20 week ultrasound so we'll know better what we're getting into, and I can go purchase some baby items we need!

I'm freaked out because this will mean delivering 3 babies in a little less than 4 years, and having 3 children that are all within 4 years of each other!

I'm freaked out because while I can make Deans list at school, I can't effectively potty train a 3.5 year old. It makes me feel smart, yet dumb. Bleh.

I have the first tri-mester screen in two weeks... woot woot. Hopefully it's just one baby in my tummy and not 2 or 3 or 7!

Thanks for listening to me =0